Hello hello! Here I am again (if I can pay anyone to come up with a more original opening statement then just let me know!). I guess I’ll just jump straight in; I’m moving back out to uni! Bloody hell, I know. I didn’t see it coming either, but here we are and off I go. So, why this blog post? Well, we all know that change can be hard. I’m excited as hell to move back out to university but I’m also terrified of the pressure of third year and I guess that when those pressures come, we all need things to comfort us and make us feel better. Like most people, I have ‘those’ things that get me back to me and those things that act as that warm hug when I need it and I guess today, I thought I could share them with you in case you were looking for something to give you that warm hug, too.
Bloody hell, here she is again, some of you might be thinking as you see my name pop up on your screen and bloody hell, you would be right, here I am. You may be happy to know that today’s blog post (‘today’ almost implying that I write everyday when realistically, here I am, four months later) isn’t going to consist ENTIRELY of me moaning about that thing that happened in January, and also, it’s not going to ENTIRELY consist of cute and relatable quotes, but be reassured, there’ll be some mentions and some indented quotes here and there. So yes, here I am. It’s nearly the end of August and to be truly honest, I’ve done **** all for the past three months of my life. Upon finishing placement at the end of June, I was pretty happy at the prospect of this, but within about two weeks, I was bored shitless (and poor). But nevertheless, university begins again in the middle of September and in approximately six days, I’m off to Malia (*suppresses urge to chant*) with my university pals to drink too much and sleep too little (hopefully gonna’ get a banging tan, though). I’m coming at you today with some things that’ve been on my mind recently (as per) and to just generally sort my head out a little. I’ll give you the heads up, it involves me joining tinder, dealing with old friends / new friend drama, and well, wait for this one, actually feeling okay post-break up (didn’t want to say the words but there we go). ACTUALLY FEELING OKAY!!!!! I know, I’m shocked too, didn’t think I was ever going to get off the break up train but damn, that bitch tried to keep overcharging me but in the end, I made a break for it and well, here I am; still poor, but not making as many stops as usual. So, here I go.
Picture the scene. You’re bored – or probably procrastinating – and you see someone has shared a post on facebook entitled ’50 Questions to ask a girl if you really want to know who she is.’ Despite having a billion other things to do, or a billion other potential activities to immerse yourself in, you open up the page and begin to answer the questions in your head. They make you think and all of a sudden, you’re writing the answers in a blog post. Here we go (lol)!
So, I’m writing this blogpost after a few weeks of being on a rollercoaster I haven’t been on in a while. This rollercoaster, which I was intending to explain in another blog post – saved in the drafts, forgive me – is the rollercoaster of feelings. Vulnerable, mildly terrifying and kinda’ shit feelings. I’m in that zone of feelings where everything feels kind of exciting and kind of scary at the same time, and that, after being in a two year relationship is pretty damn hard.
To tell you the truth, I feel frustrated. I feel out of my comfort zone, vulnerable and pretty fucking emotional about the whole thing. I’m not sure I’ve come across the right guy to do this ‘thing’ with, first of all, partly because he kinda’ makes me feel a little bit like shit and you know what the worst thing is? I let him. I literally let him. Who ever wants to be that person who lets someone make them feel like that? I think I let him because I feel vulnerable and want to be liked. I want him to be interested and want to talk to me. But through wanting that so badly, I have fallen into something that How to be Single’s Robin (Rebel Wilson) referred to as ‘the dicksand’ – the concept that Sophie Kaufman defines as ‘setting our hard-worn identity aside for the sake of a sexy man.’
So, first week back at university has been checked off the list and I am officially shattered already. I’ve been back for about three weeks now and commuting life and the pressures of second year are kind of intense already, but that’s looking at the bad bits; I’m trying to do this less, now, after a couple of hard, pessimistic months, and I’m trying to soak up all the good parts of university life and life in general, and so far, I think I’m doing a good job.
So I am writing this post at half past 11 on my birthday and I’ve had a lovely day. I saw my family and had a nice night out with my friends on Saturday and overall this birthday has been a lot less terrifying than the last one – and by that, I mean by my 18th being a hideous anxiety ridden night of terror.
I’m kind of just doing this so I can get it out because I’ve been feeling like this a lot lately and I think that I just need to put it somewhere instead of keeping it all in my head.
So I finished my teaching practice at the start of February and have had some time off since then. After my placement I was kind of happy to be finished – purely because it meant I could sleep – but I was also pretty sad because I enjoyed it so much. Since then I’ve kind of been feeling a little bit ‘meh’. I’m not sure why, but I just think I’ve been feeling a little rubbish and have been overthinking everything to the point where my head is like ????????