Hello hello! Here I am again (if I can pay anyone to come up with a more original opening statement then just let me know!). I guess I’ll just jump straight in; I’m moving back out to uni! Bloody hell, I know. I didn’t see it coming either, but here we are and off I go. So, why this blog post? Well, we all know that change can be hard. I’m excited as hell to move back out to university but I’m also terrified of the pressure of third year and I guess that when those pressures come, we all need things to comfort us and make us feel better. Like most people, I have ‘those’ things that get me back to me and those things that act as that warm hug when I need it and I guess today, I thought I could share them with you in case you were looking for something to give you that warm hug, too.
So, let’s begin with the hug, of course, *sends virtual, unshitty, real squishy kinda’ ‘you got this’, kind of hug*. If you’re reading this, then you’re probably sitting exactly where so many pre-uni students have sat before; in some void of the unknown. Starting anything new can be daunting, but starting university can definitely take daunting to the next level. There’s so many different aspects to university life, like moving out of your home town, moving out of your house, moving in with complete strangers, studying at a higher level and having to manage money like you’ve potentially never managed money before. These big life changes definitely make room for some ‘oh shit, I’m terrified’ moments, and believe me, I think every university student who made it out of first year alive (partly due to alcohol) had some of those on the lead up to freshers week. So, first of all, what I’m trying to say is, be reassured; be assured that so many people are feeling the way you do now. A lot of people are probably thinking ‘what if I don’t make friends?’ ‘What if my flat-mates don’t like me?’ ‘What if I hate it?’ and equally, a lot of people are probably not thinking, ‘this is gonna’ be absolutely fine.’ ‘Everyone is going to love me.’ ‘I am completely comfortable with diving head first into the unknown’. So, yes, be reassured, like I say, everyone is going to be feeling some sort of nervousness and as long as you don’t let that nervousness stop you, then you’re already on your way! These next few years of your life could be the ones you’ve been waiting for, the ones where you grow individually, academically and in so many other ways than you’ve ever grown before, it’s just about getting over that first terrifying hurdle. (In all honesty, though, I was shitting myself from the moment I got my UCAS e-mail, so I know, it’s completely easier said than done, I feel ya’.) When I was planning this blog post, I essentially tried to think to myself, ‘what do I wish someone had told me the week before freshers?’ and hopefully, these things will reassure you, like they would’ve reassured me. *Ends hug, pats on back, begins*.
Bloody hell, here she is again, some of you might be thinking as you see my name pop up on your screen and bloody hell, you would be right, here I am. You may be happy to know that today’s blog post (‘today’ almost implying that I write everyday when realistically, here I am, four months later) isn’t going to consist ENTIRELY of me moaning about that thing that happened in January, and also, it’s not going to ENTIRELY consist of cute and relatable quotes, but be reassured, there’ll be some mentions and some indented quotes here and there. So yes, here I am. It’s nearly the end of August and to be truly honest, I’ve done **** all for the past three months of my life. Upon finishing placement at the end of June, I was pretty happy at the prospect of this, but within about two weeks, I was bored shitless (and poor). But nevertheless, university begins again in the middle of September and in approximately six days, I’m off to Malia (*suppresses urge to chant*) with my university pals to drink too much and sleep too little (hopefully gonna’ get a banging tan, though). I’m coming at you today with some things that’ve been on my mind recently (as per) and to just generally sort my head out a little. I’ll give you the heads up, it involves me joining tinder, dealing with old friends / new friend drama, and well, wait for this one, actually feeling okay post-break up (didn’t want to say the words but there we go). ACTUALLY FEELING OKAY!!!!! I know, I’m shocked too, didn’t think I was ever going to get off the break up train but damn, that bitch tried to keep overcharging me but in the end, I made a break for it and well, here I am; still poor, but not making as many stops as usual. So, here I go.
Surprise surprise, here I am again. I bet you can’t guess what this one’s going to be about, or what’s spurred it on. (Truth be told, though, if I wasn’t writing this, this would all be in my head and driving me crazy so it’s best that I got it out somewhere, right?) Ah, yes. That shit thing that happened / is happening in my life right now – that break up and well, the process of getting over / through that break up. An easy task? Of course. Block them out of your life, pretend the two + years never happened and within a few days, you’ll be right as rain. *Rolls eyes out of head*. It’s bloody shit. Shit, shit, shit. But here I am, telling the tale, two months on, and despite the shitness, I’ve not cried for like, three days – absolute record. Anyway, this blog post isn’t meant to be a negative one, in fact, negativity is something I’m going to talk about seriously avoiding a bit later on, but that’s the context, anyway, for anyone wondering what crisis this blog post is discussing! (Because what else do I blog about, really???)
The past few weeks of my life have been a little strange. A little bitter, uncomfortable and a little shit, if I’m honest. The last time I wrote a blog post, the weeks prior had also been a little shit, and I should’ve expected this, really. I’ve gone on about this in about three blog posts now, but it’s pretty current in my life – and expect will be for quite a while – and is affecting me in a lot of ways. Breaking up with someone is usually an unpleasant experience. For me, it’s probably the most unpleasant thing I’ve ever done – I’d even rate it above A-Levels, and that’s a pretty big statement. I think when you break up with someone, you’re forced into this strange, unfamiliar, unpleasant, metaphorical and emotional place. For some – depending on the situation, obviously – it might be a bitter, angry place. For others, it may be of deep sadness and some people may even find it to be a place of solitude and relief, but for me, it’s definitely a place I’m not entirely comfortable in and a place I didn’t expect to be in.
Picture the scene. You’re bored – or probably procrastinating – and you see someone has shared a post on facebook entitled ’50 Questions to ask a girl if you really want to know who she is.’ Despite having a billion other things to do, or a billion other potential activities to immerse yourself in, you open up the page and begin to answer the questions in your head. They make you think and all of a sudden, you’re writing the answers in a blog post. Here we go (lol)!
So, I’m writing this blogpost after a few weeks of being on a rollercoaster I haven’t been on in a while. This rollercoaster, which I was intending to explain in another blog post – saved in the drafts, forgive me – is the rollercoaster of feelings. Vulnerable, mildly terrifying and kinda’ shit feelings. I’m in that zone of feelings where everything feels kind of exciting and kind of scary at the same time, and that, after being in a two year relationship is pretty damn hard.
To tell you the truth, I feel frustrated. I feel out of my comfort zone, vulnerable and pretty fucking emotional about the whole thing. I’m not sure I’ve come across the right guy to do this ‘thing’ with, first of all, partly because he kinda’ makes me feel a little bit like shit and you know what the worst thing is? I let him. I literally let him. Who ever wants to be that person who lets someone make them feel like that? I think I let him because I feel vulnerable and want to be liked. I want him to be interested and want to talk to me. But through wanting that so badly, I have fallen into something that How to be Single’s Robin (Rebel Wilson) referred to as ‘the dicksand’ – the concept that Sophie Kaufman defines as ‘setting our hard-worn identity aside for the sake of a sexy man.’