Not another ‘feelsy’ blogpost (oh yes)

Bloody hell, here she is again, some of you might be thinking as you see my name pop up on your screen and bloody hell, you would be right, here I am. You may be happy to know that today’s blog post (‘today’ almost implying that I write everyday when realistically, here I am, four months later) isn’t going to consist ENTIRELY of me moaning about that thing that happened in January, and also, it’s not going to ENTIRELY consist of cute and relatable quotes, but be reassured, there’ll be some mentions and some indented quotes here and there. So yes, here I am. It’s nearly the end of August and to be truly honest, I’ve done **** all for the past three months of my life. Upon finishing placement at the end of June, I was pretty happy at the prospect of this, but within about two weeks, I was bored shitless (and poor). But nevertheless, university begins again in the middle of September and in approximately six days, I’m off to Malia (*suppresses urge to chant*) with my university pals to drink too much and sleep too little (hopefully gonna’ get a banging tan, though). I’m coming at you today with some things that’ve been on my mind recently (as per) and to just generally sort my head out a little. I’ll give you the heads up, it involves me joining tinder, dealing with old friends / new friend drama, and well, wait for this one, actually feeling okay post-break up (didn’t want to say the words but there we go). ACTUALLY FEELING OKAY!!!!! I know, I’m shocked too, didn’t think I was ever going to get off the break up train but damn, that bitch tried to keep overcharging me but in the end, I made a break for it and well, here I am; still poor, but not making as many stops as usual. So, here I go.

I’m gonna’ start with the dealing with old and new friends, first, because to be honest, this is the shittiest of the three things I wanna’ get out. I guess I’ll have to begin with setting the scene. High school friends – all going in different directions in life. One of the girls worked and the rest of us went to university to study three different things, in three different places. This was okay, for a while, really. We still talked religiously in our ‘group chat’, we still saw each other when we were back from university, still told each other most things, but we also all started to have different experiences. Two of us were in long term relationships, having a shitty time living out at university, one of the girls lost her job and had to find another one and one was struggling with some health issues mixed with trying to get through university. We were all going through our own things. I think it all started to go a little tits up, when I made new friends at university. This was all okay, at first, nothing seemed to change, but after a while, I felt a little hostility from my ‘old’ friends when it came to my ‘new’ friends. Meanwhile, like I say, we were all having different experiences. My relationship had an effect on me – a good one, mostly – and I did change, from the person I was before. Was this the problem? I don’t know. Anyway, so things went on and myself and my university friends were getting closer and closer. We were all going through the same things. We were on placement, loving life but hating it sometimes, too, understanding the process, the emotions, everything, we understood. But they didn’t, or it seemed like they didn’t. And it also felt like they didn’t care that much, either, which was the worst part. I admit, I spent an unequal amount of time with them, one hundred percent, but that was because my university friends were living my life with me at the time, we were doing the same things, to reiterate. The break up did things to me, too and my uni friends were the ones I was going through that with, they were seeing me everyday, living it with me, almost. But I guess this was the problem. Eventually, one of the old friends said this to me, and then another. For months and months, I felt awful about this. I felt awful about having new friends, because they’d said they felt ‘second best’. I stopped putting things on social media, I blocked them from seeing my snapchat story so that they didn’t have to see it and feel that way. God, I feel stupid even writing that. felt bad about having new friends and spending time with them. Was I not allowed? Did I have to stay the same forever? Did I have to keep living that same life I’d been living for years, stuck in a town we all hate? No. No, I didn’t and I’m so angry at myself that I let them make me feel that way. You can make new friends at university. This doesn’t mean you forget about your old friends, sure, it might just mean you spend less time with them in comparison. THIS. IS. NOT. ILLEGAL. Healthy friends don’t drag your other relationships down to secure their slot as number one. Honestly, the whole thing drained the life out of me and only now, in August can I actually argue against my brain when the guilt that they ensued in me pours in. Not going on holiday with my old friends (despite going with them the year before) also made this very awkward. At one point, I couldn’t afford to go on holiday with them, I still couldn’t afford that holiday. But when my university friends were discussing going on holiday to Malia, after they had booked theirs, (bearing in mind there is ten of us in the university group) and how cheap it was going to be, I thought, fuck it, let’s do it. And now, I can’t wait. I spent SO long shitting myself about what my home friends would think about this. But do you know what? Now, I’m honestly just done. Why am I constantly striving to please people? Why do I feel guilty for saying no to hanging out with people, when at times, I might just not want to? Is that a crime? Don’t say maybe, if you want to say no; is pretty much my new life motto.

I guess that might’ve turned into a little bit of a rant, but to be honest, I’ve taken too much shit for way too long. Sometimes you’ve literally just got to be brutally honest and say fuck it, because as a very accurate tweet pointed out to me, the other day, ‘at this age, you’ve got to realise that everyone has a lot of growing to do, so you either grow together, or outgrow each other’. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that I’ve had this fantastic wealth of experiences that have put me above them in terms of growth or anything like that, I’ve just accepted that the different experiences we’ve had, have taken us to different places, have made us feel different things and have led us to different people. My old friends – one in particular- did offer me some advice in my recent hard times, but they weren’t there – apart from one, like I say – day in, day out like my new friends. I’m basically saying, don’t feel obliged to give yourself to your friends just because you’ve known them for a long time, or take shit just because you’re doing different things to them and shit isn’t the same as it used to be. Another accurate tweet said, ‘often it takes being less social, releasing toxic relationships and being single for a while – to vibrate higher, awaken and transform – and honestly, I feel like that’s what not having them around has done. Who knows what’ll happen in the future but for now, I’m doing me and refusing to feel guilty for having new experiences with new people.  (Obviously will insert some more emosh quotes below).

So, on a slightly lighter note, I joined tinder. I mean, I’d say it was for the hilarity of it and yes, at first, it really was, but now, I have found that – can’t believe I’m saying this – but I actually take it a little bit seriously. My best friend goes out with a guy she met on tinder, and so does one of my other friends. Obviously, it’s widely renowned for being the place to meet someone for a quick one, but I have found that there are a few people on there who don’t just want that. BUT this is where I’m struggling. I have found a tinder bae that I actually would love to pursue something with in real life and quite frankly, I am terrified to head knee deep into the feels. I mean, I’m pretty shit at holding back so I’m pretty much heading in that direction already, but when I get like this, I feel like I go insane. It’s that horrible stage of seeing them open a snapchat, or be active on facebook and not reply to you and just overthinking little things like that, which if you go back forty years, would never have caused a problem! I know I’m not the only one who does this, I’m sure someone will feel me, but fuck, it’s stressful. At the heart of this and I guess to stop this kinda’ thing getting to you too much, you have to know that your self worth does not depend on someone not replying to you within a five minute time period. You literally have to just look past things, take them at face value, sometimes. Yeah, someone didn’t reply to your message as quickly as you would’ve replied to theirs, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care, they might be busy or there could be a million different other explanations. Similarly, if things don’t work out then it probably wasn’t meant to be, life’s taking you down another path or maybe that person was just there to teach you something, a temporary person, I guess. Now, don’t get me wrong, a lot of the time, I say this to myself and don’t believe it, but think about how many people there are in the world. Think of all the different situations you could meet someone in, think of all the amazing memories you’re gonna’ make with your friends because hell, love doesn’t have to be romantic. Honestly, you’ve got time, don’t waste it on arseholes who just want a quick one on tinder, or spend all your time trying to work out why your tinder bae isn’t replying or read your message and didn’t reply at all. If it doesn’t work out, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and hell, onto the next one, gal! (Or boy, or whoever’s reading this!) If it does, then throw yourself into it, who knows where it’ll take you! (But be safe, tell people where you’re going and try to have a nervous poo before you go (real talk)!) So yes, I’m a little bit terrified but I’m just gonna’ roll with it, whatever happens, happens and if all goes tits up, follow ‘this too shall pass’ (and then get really pissed in Malia, lol).

And so, the last one. Well, didn’t think I’d ever be saying these words but bloody hell, I think I’m getting there with the post-break-up-blues. I definitely still have meh days, but they’re mostly just days where I feel ‘meh’ about myself, more so than about him, or anything like that. He has also now got a new lady, about which, I will simply say, good luck to them. I hope she makes him super happy and that it brings him all the good feels. To be honest, I think finding out about this kind of pushed me on a little bit, because it made me realise that he was moving on, and I was still quite stuck in the past. I mean, the night after, I might’ve gone out and got very pissed and did things I probably wouldn’t have done prior to knowing that, but hey, it helped me and like I say, I think I needed it. I’m doing my thing and he’s doing his and that brings me peace. I also know that I’m actually pretty okay doing my thing, like I said in my previous posts, I enjoy working through things and getting to know myself more and I know that I don’t need to be in a relationship to do that.

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And so, there it is. My thoughts, my feelings, things that have been bothering me or just things that I needed to get out. Hopefully someone might’ve taken something from this, I know I do tend to babble on but whilst doing so, I hope something I say might be useful, lol. Keep on doing you! Who knows what I’ll have to say next time!

Rosie 🙂 x

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