Improving myself – for me

Surprise surprise, here I am again. I bet you can’t guess what this one’s going to be about, or what’s spurred it on. (Truth be told, though, if I wasn’t writing this, this would all be in my head and driving me crazy so it’s best that I got it out somewhere, right?) Ah, yes. That shit thing that happened / is happening in my life right now – that break up and well, the process of getting over / through that break up. An easy task? Of course. Block them out of your life, pretend the two + years never happened and within a few days, you’ll be right as rain. *Rolls eyes out of head*. It’s bloody shit. Shit, shit, shit. But here I am, telling the tale,  two months on, and despite the shitness, I’ve not cried for like, three days – absolute record. Anyway, this blog post isn’t meant to be a negative one, in fact, negativity is something I’m going to talk about seriously avoiding a bit later on, but that’s the context, anyway, for anyone wondering what crisis this blog post is discussing! (Because what else do I blog about, really???)

So, break ups. Break ups are a process, right? A lot of time – sometimes – spent, thinking about a lot of things. Like I say, sometimes it’s a long process, sometimes a short one, depending on the situation and the person, but I’m sure we can all agree that they’re pretty shitty at most. You find yourself in this super vulnerable place. A place everyone would mostly rather avoid, but here you are. This place forces you to think about yourself. It forces you to look at your behaviours, your thoughts and essentially, just you in general. I watched this ‘relationship chat’ video recently with Tia Ward and Yasmine Elizabeth (not gonna’ lie, wasn’t particularly looking for this video, might’ve fancied Tia a little and got sucked into her videos after watching one of her with Maya Jama aka the absolute BABE) and some of the stuff they spoke about really made me think. Either Tia or Yasmine said, that when you go through a break up and are most vulnerable, you connect to yourself like you might never have before. You can often ‘find yourself’ in your break up, as you’re so at one with your thoughts and the things that are happening in your life and how things have changed. This really resonated with me, as I’m sure it would resonate with a lot of you, as being in this place, this place where you’re constantly thinking about your worth and who you are, really makes you criticise and evaluate yourself. It’s a reflective place, and reflection and evaluation are hella important if you want to improve yourself or be a better you, for you.

Reflecting on your experiences, how you have behaved and evaluating yourself is a good way to learn about yourself, just as I said in my last blog post, but truthfully, it’s not always a pleasant experience. You’re gonna’ be harder on yourself after a break up. Depending on the situation, but usually in general, we all feel a little shit about ourselves at some point during a break up. Not feeling good enough, ‘will anyone else ever love me?’ thoughts (as a result of not feeling good enough) and just general shitty feelings are pretty common, right? But I guess, they’re not necessarily bad thoughts, if we can turn them into positive changes, right? Being negative about myself, and generally highly critical, I guess – as we are when we feel shit – has made me notice the things I don’t like about myself, things that I can change. For example, I can be pretty negative at times. Pretty fucking negative and pretty moany about absolutely anything. I can also get sucked in to bitching unnecessarily, bringing people down when I should be bringing them up and I even start the bitching sometimes. Not listening enough is another thing that I hate about myself. When people tell me something and I forget what they’ve said because I’ve not listened properly…damn. I hate it when people do that to me, so why do I do it so easily with them? I often do this to the people I love the most, too, which is the worst part. Control is the most recent thing I’ve noticed about myself. I have to have control and be in control of things. I think this is just as a result of anxiety, and this bossiness that I’ve always had in me, but this need to constantly be in charge is something I’m really starting to get annoyed at myself for, and I’m pretty sure it pushes people away, too. These are things I’ve only noticed about myself through really looking at myself through a critical, vulnerable lense. They’re things that make me less ‘me,’ in a way, and shouldn’t we always try to avoid those things, if they don’t make us better? But, one good thing about these things, is that they are things I can change. The control one may take a bit of time, but I can make a conscious effort to listen to those who think me worthy enough to open up to, to speak to out of choice. I can make an effort to be less negative and look at the positive things, like starting the day (as Maya Jama #bae) suggested with verbally listing all the things I have in my life to be grateful for. I can physically stop myself from bitching about people and criticising others, by simply being more critical of myself, in comparison. Spending less energy talking about other people, and spend more time talking with other people and creating a more positive environment for people to be in when I’m around. These are things that I can change, and hopefully, if you find these kind of things in yourself, you can too. I’m not an expert or anything like that, but I’m pretty sure that self improvement is a damn powerful thing. Knowing yourself well enough to see when you’re straying or just not being yourself, can, in a way, give you that control and can also, make yourself better for those around you, like family, or friends, potential future partners, colleagues, etc, but most of all, for you, for your own benefit.

Change is a pretty big thing for a lot of people. Noticing these changes as a result of a change is an even bigger thing, I guess. Not only are you dealing with this huge change relationship wise (in this case) but then you’re also dealing with yourself, who you are now, and who you perhaps were then. It’s all pretty new, really, which is the scary part, but you don’t have to stay the same – but equally you can, if you want to, no pressure!

A few of you might remember my post about being in the dicksand, a few months ago. A pretty shitty time, to be honest – not shittier than this – but that post I wrote then, it empowered me. I listed all the things I liked about myself and what made me me , and how that made me confident in myself. WHERE HAVE THOSE THOUGHTS / AFFIRMATIONS BEEN THE LAST FEW WEEKS, HEY?! I’ve been tiring myself out emotionally, stressing about how un-me I feel, and how much I want to change, when even though I have things I don’t like about myself, I also have those things I do, too. Which is why I’m saying, be critical, but not too critical. No one wants to be shot while they’re down. Sure, a little poke and a prod can help but don’t dig the sword in any deeper. Change what you don’t like and keep what you do, and know that those things make you you. The post break up place of doom is a shit place, but remember that it can be a really good place to get to know yourself at a level you might not have got to before. Although it’s not always fun and feels like it’ll never end – three months down the line, still wondering when – you’ll come out of it a hell of a lot stronger and if you learn about yourself and change the bits you don’t like, then a hell of a lot better, too.

Sorry if this has been a bit wishy washy. A lot of the time these ideas are straight from my head to the computer, but this time – get me! – I did actually try to plan and structure them. Essentially, we could all do with a bit of reflection time, now and again and it doesn’t require a break up for that to happen. A bad day at work might spur this on, an event or an experience that you’ve not encountered before might make you think for a little bit, but regardless of what it is, hopefully, it’ll lead to good things. Be critical, but be kind to yourself when you need it. Do you but improve you if you spot things you aren’t totally happy with. You got it, just takes a little bit of thought and a little bit of courage to change (and pixie dust, right? That’s the line, isn’t it?)

Also just wanna’ throw it out there, that since we’ve acquired my sister’s old treadmill, I’ve been jogging out my emotional instability and bloody hell, it feels good. I bloody hate exercise but let me tell you, there’s not many things that feel as good as sweating out a break up (and feeling better about your protruding stomach getting a little smaller as you do it! ((yet to see this, I’m living in hope))) ((Would also just like to add / correct myself in saying that there are a lot of things that feel better than exercise including pizza, a good cuppa and biscuits over a catch up with friends, buying new books, and cuddling your fave teddy, etc etc – but if exercise floats your boat then go crazy! – just know that tea and biscuits are still my first choice 😉 ))

Hope this made someone, if anyone, feel a little bit better / maybe even a bit inspired! Have a good week, everyone. Hope you ate every bit of chocolate in sight!

Rosie 🙂

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