Learning About Myself

The past few weeks of my life have been a little strange. A little bitter, uncomfortable and a little shit, if I’m honest. The last time I wrote a blog post, the weeks prior had also been a little shit, and I should’ve expected this, really. I’ve gone on about this in about three blog posts now, but it’s pretty current in my life – and expect will be for quite a while – and is affecting me in a lot of ways. Breaking up with someone is usually an unpleasant experience. For me, it’s probably the most unpleasant thing I’ve ever done – I’d even rate it above A-Levels, and that’s a pretty big statement. I think when you break up with someone, you’re forced into this strange, unfamiliar, unpleasant, metaphorical and emotional place. For some – depending on the situation, obviously – it might be a bitter, angry place. For others, it may be of deep sadness and some people may even find it to be a place of solitude and relief, but for me, it’s definitely a place I’m not entirely comfortable in and a place I didn’t expect to be in.

So far, coming out of a long term relationship has been quite a rocky experience for me. It’s been a time full of realisation, doubt, overthinking, sadness and general emotional instability – lol. My mind has been going into overdrive and I’ve been driving myself insane with doubts about what I did, why I did what I did and how I’m going to handle both of these things moving forward – and whether I can handle them. It’s been a lonely time, too, which has been the worst part, I think. That was going to be the case, though, irregardless of the situation, the reasons, the time period, all of that kind of stuff – it was going to be lonely. You spend all of this time with this one person, they’re usually the person you call on to do things, whether that be going out for dinner, having pizza at home, or hiking up a fell in the Lake District, and then all of a sudden, that person isn’t – not always, anyway – the one you can do those things with anymore. I think that’s where the doubt creeps in. Those lonely moments where you think, ‘is this even what I wanted?’ ‘I’d still have ‘a’ person if I hadn’t done what I did.’ ‘Can I actually hack being alone?’ These are the worst times, I think. The ones where you have to convince yourself, no matter how hard, not to listen to the doubts and that at the time, what you did was right and it was what you wanted. That’s what I’ve had to do anyway.  It’s been hard, for sure. I’ve written lists on my phone notes to look at when I have those moments, but even then, I struggle to believe them sometimes. Yeah, those lonely moments of self doubt aren’t fun. They’re also where the overthinking kicks in. Those ‘what ifs’ are the ones that are gonna’ hurt you the most, but they’re the ones you have to avoid, at least for now. Pushing through the ‘what ifs’ has began to lead me to the place that breakups are supposed to take you. That place of learning about yourself.

This place is definitely still uncomfortable. It’s also quite unpleasant, at times, because more time alone and more time to think does tend to do things to your mind and makes you notice things. For example, I notice how irritable I can be, how quick I can fly off the handle. I think about myself when I was in my relationship, I think, was I defined by that? Am I only that person because of that relationship? Do I even like who I am now, compared to who I was when I was in that relationship? But what I’m learning, in relation to all those questions, is that I’m still me. I was me, I just spent a whole lot of time with another person, but during that time, I was me, and he was him. And the wonderful thing about this, is that I’m forced to learn things about myself, that I might not have looked at or known had I not took a leap of faith out of the comfort zone. That was one thing that drove me to end my relationship. Although consistency, stability and safety is something I really need, I needed a little more. A little less comfort and a little more of the unknown – despite that actually being quite terrifying so far. There’s this thing called the 2% mindset…

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and I’m pretty sure that or a while, I’ve been sitting pretty damn happily in the comfort zone. But after a while, the comfort zone got a little tedious, and even though I really don’t want to say boring,  because I never felt bored, I think I was just a little tired of the same. So out I went, out of the comfort zone and into the terrifying unknown and you know what, despite the shitness of a break up, it’s pretty exciting. I mean, I’m not planning on going out and meeting thousands of new men or anything like that – although, if you want to do that when coming out of a break up, go crazy – I just feel quite liberated. I guess that’s one of the only good things about this situation. It’s also something to remember when you do have those moments of loneliness. There are people out there feeling just like you, and there’s thousands of people out there to meet and get to know. Who knows when it’ll happen – which is frustrating, I guess, but doesn’t that make it all the more worth it? – but it’s exciting to think about what could happen. My friend sent me this, recently, and I think it fits pretty well with what I’m trying to say here.

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So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, the comfort zone is a nice, safe space for you to stay in, for sure. It’s stable and consistent and I know – really, I do – how appealing that sounds. Honestly, it’s taken me a long, long time to even consider coming out of it, but do you know what? I feel good. I feel optimistic, excited and I want to do more. Now I’ve gone a little bit out of the comfort zone, I want to do more. A few weeks ago, I did a presentation to a lecture theatre of 350 people. If you had told me a year ago that I’d have done that, I’d have laughed in your face, but I bloody well did it. That’s just one thing I did, but I’ve got more things planned. At the end of the year, I’m moving back out to uni with my best pal and living out my last year in my uni town. Although home is safe and secure, I need to do it. The comfort zone was too safe. Now is the time to get out there. I’m also going out on my second teaching training placement in about three weeks. Damn. If any experience gets you out of the comfort zone – despite feeling totally confident and happy in the classroom – it’s a teacher training placement. Last year, I was thrown so far out of the comfort zone and this year, I’m going even further. I can’t wait. Had you told me this, last year, I’d also have laughed in your face, then probably cried a little. But here we go. Here  go – should I say. It’s gonna’ be a rollercoaster, but isn’t everything in life, or everything in life worth having, anyway? Why not try it? You don’t have to do anything huge, I mean, I’m not saying end your relationship and that you should if it’s ‘too comfortable’, but for me, I just wasn’t 100% happy being so comfortable in mine, amongst other things. Maybe just try something new, go out and meet new people, just try to do something you’ll feel proud of yourself for doing, afterwards. Go for it with open arms. You’ve got it, it’s all in you. No one’s gonna’ give you everything, other than yourself, man.

In my last blog post, one of the questions I answered was, ‘what is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?’ and I don’t remember writing this as the answer, but what I wrote was, ‘not believe in myself.’ Is that the craziest thing you’ve ever done, too?

See you soon,

Rosie 🙂

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