So, I’m writing this blogpost after a few weeks of being on a rollercoaster I haven’t been on in a while. This rollercoaster, which I was intending to explain in another blog post – saved in the drafts, forgive me – is the rollercoaster of feelings. Vulnerable, mildly terrifying and kinda’ shit feelings. I’m in that zone of feelings where everything feels kind of exciting and kind of scary at the same time, and that, after being in a two year relationship is pretty damn hard.
To tell you the truth, I feel frustrated. I feel out of my comfort zone, vulnerable and pretty fucking emotional about the whole thing. I’m not sure I’ve come across the right guy to do this ‘thing’ with, first of all, partly because he kinda’ makes me feel a little bit like shit and you know what the worst thing is? I let him. I literally let him. Who ever wants to be that person who lets someone make them feel like that? I think I let him because I feel vulnerable and want to be liked. I want him to be interested and want to talk to me. But through wanting that so badly, I have fallen into something that How to be Single’s Robin (Rebel Wilson) referred to as ‘the dicksand’ – the concept that Sophie Kaufman defines as ‘setting our hard-worn identity aside for the sake of a sexy man.’
I like my identity. I feel strong in my identity. I know who I am and I like it. So why have I even let myself fall into the dicksand? I have pushed aside how I truly feel, what I truly want to say and who I guess – I truly am – in order to make this guy like me, and for what? To feel like I can’t say what I really think and to feel like shit as a result? Nah.
Coming out of my relationship has made me strong, and being in it made me strong too. It gave me confidence and it made me accept myself for who I am, of whom, isn’t all that bad, to be truly honest. I am a woman who knows what want. I have wanted to be a primary school teacher all of my life and I have conquered everything – so far – that has stood in my way or been necessary in order to get there. I’m in my second year of university and I cannot f*****g wait to get out there and do some good stuff for those kids who deserve all the chances and opportunities they can get. I am passionate. I am passionate about what I want to do and I love things hard. I like to love hard. I accept what loving hard can do and I do it anyway – because that is who I am. I am kind. I care about people and I want them to do well and succeed. I am surrounded by people who bring me up, and I hope I bring them up too. I cheer for them when they need it and I am there for them when they fall. I am capable. I am capable of doing whatever I set my mind too and I hope to bloody God that whenever I try I do it well. I am brave. I know that things can go wrong, things can fail and that you can get hurt along the way. It has happened and I have come through the other side. There is no light at the end of my tunnel, because we are our own light. We pull ourselves through and we get to the other side, through our own thoughts, actions and whatever we bloody have to do to get there – whether that’s in one piece or several. I am confident. When I want to say something I will and when I disagree, I will tell you and give you my opinion. I am strong. I am strong in my opinions and I am strong in the knowledge that I know who I am. I am strong in knowing that if you don’t accept me for these things and all the other things that come with me – excessive farting / eating / a strongly British tea habit – then are you really worth my time? Do I need you in my life for you to make me ‘less me’? No. No I don’t.
A strong relationship and good friends have done this to me. I know that I can be valued and that I deserve to be valued and I have learnt that I should accept nothing less. I know that I can be loved for me, and that there are – so thankfully – so many people in my life who remind me of this regularly.
So here I am, trying my fucking hardest to get out of the dicksand, because it is a truly shit place to be. I guess I have had to be in the dicksand to really realise how much I don’t want to be in the dicksand – but I guess that is realising the problem, is half way to solving it.
I think after a big break up, you can feel like you need someone there to fill a space, fill a hole…but to be truly honest, I don’t think I do. I have so many friends who are alone. I say alone, and not single, because I’m pretty damn sure they don’t constantly want to be referred to by their relationship status, and neither do I. I am ALONE and you know what? I’m okay. There is freedom attached to being alone and it is a freedom that I am excited to grip by the horns. I am excited to be on my own and to learn to be alone. I know that it will take time, and I also know that there are times when I probably will not feel like this, but for now? I’m okay. I don’t need someone to be interested in me for me to be okay and confident. I am okay and there are plenty of wonderful people in my life who embrace me for exactly that.
How to be Single, in all seriousness, is a good film for this. A girl, who’s just come out of a four year relationship, wants to try life alone and you know what? Although it’s not all plain sailing, she turns out pretty okay in the end. It’s a real feel good film with a lot of important life lessons threaded throughout. It’s one of those films that makes you feel ‘okay’, and sometimes we all just need to feel ‘okay.’
So, I hope this has inspired someone, if anyone, to get out of the dicksand. Do you and do you well, man. There’s only one you and I think that’s a damn special thing. No one can take that away from you, so why not just do you and do it well?
(I now present tumblr X the internet’s quotes / pics that have got me through a shit time and reinforced feelings when I needed them to – I hope they help 🙂 ) ((I will add to this!))
- ‘The thing about being single is, you should cherish it. Because, in a week, or a lifetime, of being alone, you may only get one moment. One moment, when you’re not tied up in a relationship with anyone. A parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend. One moment, when you stand on your own. Really, truly single. And then… It’s gone.’
Loving yourself is not (necessarily):
- Thinking you’re gorgeous
- Not wanting to change anything about your body, personality, or life
Loving yourself is:
- Knowing you have inherent worth regardless of your physical appearance or life circumstance
- Knowing you deserve good things
- Wanting to take care of yourself because you deserve good thingstinyecologist
- ‘Why should I stop my tears.They are like those friends who come to you anyway, if you are sad or happy’ – Yusha Rizvi (On this note, if you feel sad , cry! There are so many times when I’ve tried not to be ‘weak’, but tears are not necessarily a sign of weakness! Sometimes a good cry is what you need and whether its good or bad, it’s a natural thing , embrace it!)