So I am writing this post at half past 11 on my birthday and I’ve had a lovely day. I saw my family and had a nice night out with my friends on Saturday and overall this birthday has been a lot less terrifying than the last one – and by that, I mean by my 18th being a hideous anxiety ridden night of terror.
I’m kind of just doing this so I can get it out because I’ve been feeling like this a lot lately and I think that I just need to put it somewhere instead of keeping it all in my head.
So I finished my teaching practice at the start of February and have had some time off since then. After my placement I was kind of happy to be finished – purely because it meant I could sleep – but I was also pretty sad because I enjoyed it so much. Since then I’ve kind of been feeling a little bit ‘meh’. I’m not sure why, but I just think I’ve been feeling a little rubbish and have been overthinking everything to the point where my head is like ????????
I don’t know why I’ve all of a sudden started overthinking things but I think it might be because I’ve been up and down with all the things that’ve been going on, like finishing placement, moving back to uni, a little bit of anxiety and just some other stuff.
Learning to drive and having my test quite soon is a big thing I think that has been sending me on an emotional rollercoaster and it’s all a little crappy to be honest. Consistency is something I kind of need in my life purely so I can feel alright in myself – I guess ? – but the whole range of emotions I’ve felt with driving has just pushed me and has left me feeling the ‘meh’ feeling quite a lot. I know driving’s not the biggest thing in the world but it’s important to me right now and my confidence is all over the place. I’ve never been an overly confident person, or a confident person at all, really. So when my confidence is thrown all around the place it really does mess with my head. When I can’t do something I overthink it and when I can do something I can never enjoy the feeling because I’m scared I’ll do it wrong next time. This is something I need to work on and something that has been a big problem with me for most of my life with various different things. But it’s hard. It is – disclaimer: people have worse things going on, I know -but sometimes it’s just crap, like I said. I’m not used to saying to myself ‘you can do this’ and although this is something I need to do for my own sake, I just find it hard.
I’ve been overthinking other stuff too, like why I started ‘things’ in the first place and whether I should do certain things or ;lskdjfhs;dlf. My head is a jungle, right now. *Sings*. Which is sad because I overthink the things I care about and make myself upset when it’s been fine all along and it’s only taken one little thought to trigger it all off. I love my friends and my boyfriend but recently I’ve been overthinking every little thing involving them and it’s driving me crazy and making me sad. My boyfriend is my best friend and I love him so so much, we’re a team and when I start overthinking that it crushes me. I don’t even know what I’m overthinking about!!!! My friends are also my world and I’ve known them since I was so young and even with them I get worried and anxious about things. I’m trying my hardest to keep my head in one place but my thoughts are pulling it in all different directions and it’s just making me feel a little suffocated.
I’ve also got lots of assignments due in soon and I worry about the grades I will receive for them and various other things. I’m also a little annoyed that my first year won’t count towards anything when I’m working hard :-(.
I feel suffocated by my own head and feel like I just need to get out of it for a while. I’m not sure how but hopefully I will figure out a way. I guess I’ve just got to keep going at it and hope that I get out of this little rut sometime soon.
Sorry if this was a little ‘unhappy’, I guess but y’know, guess there’s got to be bad times to appreciate the good 🙂