Surprise surprise, here I am again. I bet you can’t guess what this one’s going to be about, or what’s spurred it on. (Truth be told, though, if I wasn’t writing this, this would all be in my head and driving me crazy so it’s best that I got it out somewhere, right?) Ah, yes. That shit thing that happened / is happening in my life right now – that break up and well, the process of getting over / through that break up. An easy task? Of course. Block them out of your life, pretend the two + years never happened and within a few days, you’ll be right as rain. *Rolls eyes out of head*. It’s bloody shit. Shit, shit, shit. But here I am, telling the tale, two months on, and despite the shitness, I’ve not cried for like, three days – absolute record. Anyway, this blog post isn’t meant to be a negative one, in fact, negativity is something I’m going to talk about seriously avoiding a bit later on, but that’s the context, anyway, for anyone wondering what crisis this blog post is discussing! (Because what else do I blog about, really???)
The past few weeks of my life have been a little strange. A little bitter, uncomfortable and a little shit, if I’m honest. The last time I wrote a blog post, the weeks prior had also been a little shit, and I should’ve expected this, really. I’ve gone on about this in about three blog posts now, but it’s pretty current in my life – and expect will be for quite a while – and is affecting me in a lot of ways. Breaking up with someone is usually an unpleasant experience. For me, it’s probably the most unpleasant thing I’ve ever done – I’d even rate it above A-Levels, and that’s a pretty big statement. I think when you break up with someone, you’re forced into this strange, unfamiliar, unpleasant, metaphorical and emotional place. For some – depending on the situation, obviously – it might be a bitter, angry place. For others, it may be of deep sadness and some people may even find it to be a place of solitude and relief, but for me, it’s definitely a place I’m not entirely comfortable in and a place I didn’t expect to be in.
Picture the scene. You’re bored – or probably procrastinating – and you see someone has shared a post on facebook entitled ’50 Questions to ask a girl if you really want to know who she is.’ Despite having a billion other things to do, or a billion other potential activities to immerse yourself in, you open up the page and begin to answer the questions in your head. They make you think and all of a sudden, you’re writing the answers in a blog post. Here we go (lol)!
So, I’m writing this blogpost after a few weeks of being on a rollercoaster I haven’t been on in a while. This rollercoaster, which I was intending to explain in another blog post – saved in the drafts, forgive me – is the rollercoaster of feelings. Vulnerable, mildly terrifying and kinda’ shit feelings. I’m in that zone of feelings where everything feels kind of exciting and kind of scary at the same time, and that, after being in a two year relationship is pretty damn hard.
To tell you the truth, I feel frustrated. I feel out of my comfort zone, vulnerable and pretty fucking emotional about the whole thing. I’m not sure I’ve come across the right guy to do this ‘thing’ with, first of all, partly because he kinda’ makes me feel a little bit like shit and you know what the worst thing is? I let him. I literally let him. Who ever wants to be that person who lets someone make them feel like that? I think I let him because I feel vulnerable and want to be liked. I want him to be interested and want to talk to me. But through wanting that so badly, I have fallen into something that How to be Single’s Robin (Rebel Wilson) referred to as ‘the dicksand’ – the concept that Sophie Kaufman defines as ‘setting our hard-worn identity aside for the sake of a sexy man.’
So, first week back at university has been checked off the list and I am officially shattered already. I’ve been back for about three weeks now and commuting life and the pressures of second year are kind of intense already, but that’s looking at the bad bits; I’m trying to do this less, now, after a couple of hard, pessimistic months, and I’m trying to soak up all the good parts of university life and life in general, and so far, I think I’m doing a good job.
So I am writing this post at half past 11 on my birthday and I’ve had a lovely day. I saw my family and had a nice night out with my friends on Saturday and overall this birthday has been a lot less terrifying than the last one – and by that, I mean by my 18th being a hideous anxiety ridden night of terror.
I’m kind of just doing this so I can get it out because I’ve been feeling like this a lot lately and I think that I just need to put it somewhere instead of keeping it all in my head.
So I finished my teaching practice at the start of February and have had some time off since then. After my placement I was kind of happy to be finished – purely because it meant I could sleep – but I was also pretty sad because I enjoyed it so much. Since then I’ve kind of been feeling a little bit ‘meh’. I’m not sure why, but I just think I’ve been feeling a little rubbish and have been overthinking everything to the point where my head is like ????????
Okay, so it’s been 3 months since I last did this, and throughout the time I haven’t, I kinda’ missed it. I’m not sure it’s just the human part of me that likes to talk about my feelings, or whether it’s just because I’ve wanted to write something – or anything.
In the 3 months that have passed, I’ve started University, completed my first 8 week teaching placement, been to London and done a few more things that I’m not sure I would’ve saw myself doing a few years back. I guess now, I’ll tell you a little about them. 🙂